Ah yes, the four scariest words in modern dating: “What are we?”
Nothing ruins a perfectly good situationship like someone trying to slap a label on it. One second you’re sharing fries and trauma-dumping at 2 AM, the next you’re choking on your own saliva because suddenly this person wants… clarity? Commitment? Definitions? Gross.
That’s why we’re here.
We’re drunk raccoons, fueled by stale margarita mix and chaos, and somehow we’re your best shot at surviving this emotional landmine. Are we qualified? Absolutely not. But are we entertaining, unhinged, and occasionally wise? Oh, honey. Always.
So grab your emotional support snack, buckle up, and let us walk you through what to do when your not-quite-partner demands a DTR (Define the Relationship).
Step One: Don’t Pretend You Didn’t Hear It
We raccoons are professional garbage divers, and even we can’t bury this question deep enough. The second your boo asks “What are we?” you’ve entered a point of no return. You can’t reply with “Haha, crazy weather, right?” or start fake-snoring. That just makes you look like a possum. And nobody wants to date a possum.
Pro Tip: Take a deep breath. Don’t panic-text your group chat yet. Acknowledge the question, even if your brain is short-circuiting like a raccoon chewing on a live wire.
Step Two: Know What You Actually Want
Listen, friend. You can’t answer “What are we?” with “Uhhh, vibes?” unless you want to officially downgrade to “strangers who sometimes send memes at 2am.”
Ask yourself: Do you want a relationship? Do you want casual chaos? Do you just want someone to watch Netflix with so you don’t cry into your nachos alone? Figure it out, because the only thing worse than being honest is being vague.
Drunk Raccoon Wisdom™: If you don’t know what you want, at least admit it. Honesty beats gaslighting someone into thinking you’re “chill” when you’re secretly Googling “how to tell if they love me or just like my Hulu password.”
Step Three: Choose Your Response Style
There are many ways to answer the dreaded “What are we?” Pick your fighter:
- The Romantic: “I think we’re becoming something real, and I’d like to explore that.” (aww, you soft little trash panda).
- The Chill-but-Honest: “I like what we have, but I’m not ready for more.” (translation: you want snacks, not a feast).
- The Chaos Goblin: “We are but two souls trapped in a capitalist hellscape, clinging to each other between brunches.” (confusing, but low-key iconic).
Whatever you pick, own it. Half-answers just make things messy, and we raccoons already cornered the market on mess.
Step Four: Don’t Lead Them On
This is where the harsh honesty hits like a tequila shot. If you know you don’t want a relationship, don’t breadcrumb them. No late-night “u up?” texts just to keep them hanging. That’s emotional dumpster fire behavior, and we promise you don’t need that karma.
Golden Rule of Raccoon Dating: If you wouldn’t want it done to you, don’t do it. Unless it’s stealing pizza from a trash can. In that case, always do it.
Step Five: Accept the Fallout
Here’s the truth: asking “What are we?” is a gamble. You might walk away with a label, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or at least a TikTok-worthy love story. Or, you might end up single, sad, and googling “best sad playlists for wine and Doritos night.”
But you know what? That’s okay. Life’s too short to waste on someone who wants different things. Better to rip off the Band-Aid now than keep coasting in emotional limbo.
Real Talk: Relationships are like dumpsters. Some are full of treasure (a perfectly good half-bagel). Others are just old cabbage and bad vibes. Know when to walk away.
Final Raccoon Thoughts
When your situationship asks “What are we?” — don’t freak out, don’t lie, and don’t hide in the literal bushes. Answer honestly, pick your lane, and accept the outcome.
Because at the end of the day, labels matter less than how someone treats you. And if they treat you like Tuesday’s trash instead of Friday’s pizza? Dump the dumpster.
And hey, if it all goes up in flames — we raccoons will be here, tipsy on cheap wine, cheering you on from the alley.
🦝✨ So go forth, little human. Answer the question. And if it all fails? Just blame us, the drunk raccoons.